don't like being in love
by queeniee
Summary: in which james is hopelsessly, pathetically in unrequited love. james/teddy, one or two others in the background. a light-hearted, christmas!time fic.


concrit welcomed.

* * *

"You know you're always welcome to stay here," James' dad would say, one hand firmly clasping Teddy's shoulder and an easy sort of smile on his face. Dad always said the same thing just as Teddy was about to leave, always met with the same answer.

"Thanks, but I have work in the morning. Maybe next time."

James watches the exchange and Teddy meets his gaze over dad's shoulder, expression clearly stating it is all his fault.

* * *

"You know, this could all just be your paranoia talking," Rose points out. Somehow over the past two years Rose has become James' best friend, if only for the fact he can tell her anything without fear of it being told to the entire student body within an hour.

"No, it most definitely is not," he retorts. "Teddy used to stay the night practically every week before this summer and this summer is when I decided I was madly in love with him. Things like this just do not happen coincidentally in real life."

"Yes, they do. Things happen completely coincidentally all the time in real life."

"Yeah, right. He knows and he is now probably constantly in fear of my taking advantage of him while he is unconscious."

"That is utterly ridiculous," Rose sighs. She rolls her eyes towards the floor where he is currently sprawled out and pointedly staring into the fireplace. "You know you're being ridiculous, right?"

"I am not. You don't know what it's like for the person you're in love with to think you're a sex-crazed homosexual rapist," he says. "It's not very nice."

"You're insufferable. If I wanted to listen to someone whine about their lack of a love life I'd be down in the toilets with Moaning Myrtle."

Rose shakes her head and stands up, books in hand, and walks up the stairs that lead to the girls' dormitory. He would follow her, but he was feeling lazy (being on the unrequited end of unrequited love will do that to you) and the last time he'd tried to follow her the stairs had flattened into a slide when he got the second-to-the-top step and in toppling down said death slide had broken one arm.

He settled for watching her go, thinking something to the effect of how smart, out lesbians will never be able to understand the plight of the closeted, love-sick gay boy (and he can already hear her snort in his head).

* * *

When he isn't complaining to Rose or doing his homework James pesters his brother. He doesn't get to see Albus as often as he'd expected at school, what with him being both younger and a Hufflepuff. Usually he has to use the Marauder's Map to figure out where he is.

Which was, incidentally, how he'd ended up waiting outside the Ancient Runes classroom after supper.

"Do you always have to be so creepy?" Albus asks, nearly jumping right out of his shoes when he turns around. "I mean, I know it's impossible, but you could give it a try every now and then."

"That ruins the fun," James replies amiably. Being creepy and annoying to his little brother always brightens his mood. "You know, you get in an awful lot of trouble for a Hufflepuff."

Albus rolls his eyes, walking past him in the vague direction of the Hufflepuff commons. Lately, Albus has been having trouble getting there. Hogwarts seems to have grown a certain fondness for having him end up in obscure places that keep him lost for hours.

"Who says Hufflepuff's don't get in trouble?"

"Practically everyone. Hufflepuff's are notoriously simple-minded, amiable creatures unable to rebel against authority."

"Where do you even come up with this shit?" Albus asks, looking incredulous.

"What'd you get detention for? I thought Professor Kennings never gave out detentions."

"Professor Kennings has been taking out his anger about getting sacked on his students through sadistically hard tests that are impossible to pass," Albus explains, "and, when I pointed that out he thought it fit to give me detention every night until he's gone."

"And, when is that?

"Next Monday, thankfully."

Halfway up the steps, the staircase Albus is on abruptly turns itself away from the dorms and up in the direction of the Astronomy tower. He rolls his eyes and places his hands on his hips.

"I swear this school is doing this to me on purpose!" he yells, and is gone from sight.

* * *

The next time James sees Teddy is over Christmas holiday, specifically the week of Christmas. This is the best and worst occasion of the year because this is when the entire family gets together—and if no one's noticed, James has a huge extended family.

The Potters' house is the biggest, and the people that don't fit inside just sleep in two of the room-sized tents out back. Even then it's a pretty tight squeeze, with at least three or four people to a bedroom and lots of chaos and no privacy.

James' room is always him, Albus, Hugo, and Teddy, with two sharing his bed while the others sleep on the floor. Which is usually fine (fantastic, even) except for the fact that this is the year James has discovered his infatuation for Teddy and Teddy has obviously decided that he does not ever want them sleeping in the same room for fear of being assaulted. Not that he really has any say in where he sleeps, as mom is very stressed and unreasonable this time of year. It just means the week will be that much more awkward.

Rose storms into his room while he's in the midst of cleaning up before everyone else arrives, her glasses slightly askew and a page of her book torn and hanging slightly out from the rest of the pages. She points an accusatory finger at him. "Have you been going around telling all our relatives that I'm some sort of teen gay counselor or something?" she demands, sounding completely serious.

"Exactly how many of our relatives are in need of teen gay counseling?" he retorts. "And, no."

"Apparently you're infecting people, namely your brother." She plops down onto his bed and busies herself re-aligning the torn page with the rest of the binding. "Either that or he's never had a male friend who's not related to him before."

"I'd say it's the latter. He doesn't have a whole lot of experience with making friends outside the family."

"Well, I refuse to give any advice on the matter," she sniffs. "It's bad enough having to listen to you bitch and moan all the time."

"I do not bitch and moan."

"Whatever. Like I don't know you'll be following me around all week whining about the endless pit of despair that is your life and how no one understands how you feel and all that drivel."

"I will not."

"Teddy's staying in your room, isn't he? I'm sure you'll have plenty of inner turmoil to vent out before today is even over."

"And, I'm sure Teddy will ask to stay in one of the tents or something so I don't ravish him in his sleep."

"He will not," Rose says, rolling her eyes. "And, even if he did, Aunt Ginny would never let him. Sleeping arrangements haven't changed since Hugo was old enough to share with you."

"I'll bet you he'll try."

"You're an idiot. Puberty and hormones have made you even more ridiculous than you already were."

"Isn't that what puberty and hormones do to everyone?"

He looks up from his desk where he's been arranging quills and parchment and making sure all his skin magazines have been adequately hidden and Rose is giving him one of her scrutinizing stares, the one that makes him feel like he's being dissected and makes him fidget if she does it too long.

"Yes, but they seem to have made you especially insane. We can only hope that one day you become immune to them and return to just being normal crazy like everyone else."

He has to laugh at her serious expression. "Somehow I think you're going to end up disappointed."

* * *

Teddy ends up being the last one to arrive, walking through the front door exhausted and angry around 10.00. He immediately goes to dad, gesturing wildly and saying something that makes dad scowl.

James watches all this from the sitting room where he's been playing chess with Hugo for the past hour and a half, so far losing three consecutive games.

"This isn't even fun," Hugo sighs as he knocks over his last pawn. "It's like I'm playing against Wellington. You're that bad."

Wellington is Albus' cat, a bright orange, morbidly obese thing that likes to sleep in the sink when mom isn't around and leave scars up and down his arms when she makes him move it.

"I am not that bad." He moves his rook to spaces, only to have it immediately knocked over.

"Check mate," Hugo says and yawns in an exaggerated fashion into one hand.

"I think I'm done," James says, standing up.

"I think I should make you play for money next time."

"Fat chance of that ever happening."

James gets about a third of the way up the stairs when Teddy storms up past him.

"Um, hey Tedd-" is all that gets out before he's slamming the bathroom door shut. James' hand remains in an almost wave a little too long; he stares at the shut door before going to the Lily's room in search of Rose.

"It's only been three hours, James," Rose says, not even looking up from her book. "What could have possibly happened?"

"I think something happened with Teddy at work." He plops down next to her and squints over her shoulder at the lines of runes on the page.

"Don't read over my shoulder. What makes you say that?"

"Well, he just locked himself in the bathroom and the last time he did that was when he got fired from the apothecary for mixing up some herb for colds with one that's potentially fatal or something. And that time he stayed in there for four hours."

"What a drama queen," Rose snorts. "And, anyways, what are you telling me this for? If it's anything like that I'm sure he'll be telling everyone at breakfast."

"Still, it's worrying."

"Do you always have to act this pitiful? I'll bet you stare at him while he's sleeping too. No wonder he's so freaked out to sleep in your room."

"Shut up!" he exclaims, red-faced.

"Make me. I know all your secrets James Potter and can use them as blackmail if I so wish. You are now at my mercy," Rose deadpans. She still doesn't as much as glance up from her stupid book.

"You suck, Rose."

She shrugs and smiles and he gives an exaggerated huff and stomps out, leaving her to her runes book.

* * *

"When is Teddy going to come out of the bathroom?" Hugo grumbles, slamming James' bedroom door behind him. "I really need to go."

"Why don't you use the downstairs one?" Albus suggests.

"Mum's in it. Says she's feeling under the weather and won't be out for a while."

"Then, go outside."

"I can't. That's where everyone else is sleeping."

"Can't you just hide in a bush or something?" James grumbles from his bed. He scowls up at the ceiling, arms folded tightly over his chest, looking very much like his little sister when she's gone into one of her moods.

"What's got you so pissed?" Albus asks. Annoying as it is, he always seems to know when there's something wrong with James; it must be some emphatic ability only Hufflepuff's and Rose are privy to.

"Nothing," he denies. "It's just—crowded. You know I hate when everybody comes 'round. It's so crowded I can hardly think."

Albus makes a face like he knows that's a lie, but thankfully makes no further comment.

Hugo scoffs and stalks off, most likely to go find a secluded bush.

* * *

James is still alone and sulking up in his room an hour later. Albus and Hugo had gone downstairs to play wizard chess; Rose had told him flat out she would not listen to one more second of his "endless bitching" and went off with Lily to do whatever it is that teenage girls did together.

He's flipping through a quidditch magazine he's already read more than once, staring longingly at a photo of the newest Firebolt whizzing about the page, when Teddy walks in. He sits up quickly, accidentally throwing the magazine off the bed and very nearly falling off himself.

"Teddy! Hey!" he exclaims. He wants to smack himself almost immediately afterwards.

"Hi James." Teddy's reply is much more subdued. He looks tired and his eyes are bloodshot like he's been crying or something. James wonders if he got fired or something equally awful.

"Um, are you staying in here?" James asks tentatively. He's fully expecting him to say no, he's just grabbing his bag, and he'll be staying in one of the tents because being in such a close proximity to James is making him just too uncomfortable.

But he doesn't. He just shrugs dismally and nods his head. "I always do, don't I?"

"Well. Yeah—"he trails off and the silence is the awkward sort, Teddy shifting from foot to foot in the doorway and James still hanging halfway over the side of the bed. He's not sure what he should say to break it; he has the irrational fear that if he opens his mouth he'll start babbling about things like his _feelings_ like he always does when Rose gives him the look.

Luckily, Teddy is the one to speak first. "So, am I getting a bed this time 'round or the floor."

"Um, the floor sorry. Al already claimed the bed before anyone even got here; said the floor messed up his back for a week, the pansy." He laughs awkwardly and Teddy actually cracks a smile.

"It's alright; I was just wondering."

Teddy picks his bag up from where it had been thrown in the corner and replaces it by the rolled up sleeping bag right next to James' bed. There's a stupid smile fighting its way onto James' face, but he smothers it valiantly, his hand gripping hard at the back of his neck.

"You okay there James?" Teddy asks. "You've got a really odd expression right now."

"Um, yeah. Just, uh, thought of something funny."

"Alright." He shrugs and smiles and James has the distinct feeling he's about to vomit his insides all over his bed.

* * *

"Rose, you gotta help me!" James yells, banging on Lily's door as loudly as he can without alerting anyone downstairs. He keeps on banging till a very disgruntled Lily throws the door open.

"What do you want, James?" she demands, her hand still gripping the door, ready to slam it right in his face.

"I need to talk to Rose!" he retorts. "I need her help and friendship!"

"Haven't you bitched over your little thing for Teddy enough for one day?" She sneers the same way she does when she's poking fun at Al or arguing with mom about her clothes. "Rose is kinda busy right now."

"What is she so busy—"He stops. He finally notices the uncharacteristically disheveled state of his sister's long hair and dress. His expression morphs into that of horror. "Oh my God. Ew, Lily, you're cousins!"

"Oh, you have no room to talk, Mr. 'I'm-Crushing-on-my-god-brother'." She rolls her eyes. "Come back later. Or better yet, go get laid and don't come back at all."

"Lily, mom and dad are _right down_—"The door slams shut. "—stairs."

He stairs at the shut door, still horrified (because it's his little sister and his best friend who is also his cousin!), but also a bit depressed by the fact they're both getting more than he is.

"I guess I'll go play wizard chess," he sighs and trudges down the stairs to find Hugo or Al.

* * *

Dinner is hectic as usual, everyone yelling over each other and passing dishes about and just being all-around chaotic. His gaze remains torn between watching Teddy talk to dad, no longer upset about what ended up being not getting a Christmas bonus because of one too many complaints of "bad people skills", and Rose and Lily sitting whispering and giggling in a manner that makes him wonder how no one else is noticing. He ends up not actually eating anything (that forkful of potatoes that mostly missed his mouth does not count).

Afterwards everyone disperses about the lower level of the house to socialize. He attempts to follow Hugo and Al, but Hugo orders him away from them.

"You are the worst wizard chess player this world has ever seen," Hugo explains. "I don't want you ruining my game by oozing your bad luck everywhere."

Al shrugs, but he's smiling like he wants to laugh really, really hard.

"Fine," James grumbles. "I didn't want to play anyways."

And up he goes, back to his room. He flops back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He can't imagine what it will be like having to lie just inches away from Teddy for hours; he'll probably be staring at the wall, trying not to breathe too much or move.

"What are you doing?" he hears Teddy's voice ask, sounding amused.

"Wallowing in teenaged angst," he responds despondently.

Teddy chuckles. "How come? Rose still not letting you talk to her about your feelings?"

"Yeah, well, I guess she's too busy being all "out-and-proud" with— wait, what?" He sits up abruptly. "Who told you I talk to Rose about my feelings?"

Teddy is leaning against the now closed door, his arms folded across his chest and a smile curving up the corners of his mouth.

"I might have heard you banging on Lily's door when I was heading downstairs, and I might have heard you two talking since I stopped and listened."

"You—you were eavesdropping?" Realization dawns, a little too late. "You heard what Lily said?" he nearly yells.

"Yeah." Teddy nods, but strangely he doesn't seem completely disturbed or angry or any other bad things like James had been fretting over for the past months.

"Why aren't you telling me I'm weird and that I'm delusional and that you don't have feelings for me and all that?" he asks all in one breathe.

Teddy shrugs. "Maybe because I don't actually think any of those things?"

"That's not possible," James says.

"Why?"

"Um, because you're older and more attractive and dating Vicky last I checked and even if you weren't you're straight."

"Vicky's my friend, my best friend, and yeah we've dated on and off, but I haven't been with her romantically for over a year and don't plan on it. And I'm not straight."

"You aren't?"

"No."

James feels as if his whole body is paralyzed as Teddy crosses the distance from the door to his bed.

"This isn't real," James persists. "This doesn't just happen."

"What doesn't?" Teddy asks, still smiling in a bemused fashion.

"Crushes don't just magically like you back over Christmas like some dumb romance novel," he explains. "They stay unrequited until you finally figure it's never going to happen and let it drift away into nothing-ness and settle for someone else."

"That's an incredibly depressing way to live."

"Yeah, that's what Rose said."

"And, I didn't just magically like you back." Teddy sits down next to him, close enough their hands brush. "It's been a long process."

"How long?"

"A few months at least."

"Is that why you stopped staying over?" James asks.

He nods. "Couldn't get out of this, though. Miss Christmas and your dad would've killed me. I guess it worked out for the best, though."

"Yeah, uh, so this is for real? You really like me?" He feels a little awkward; his mouth is turning up in a stupid smile and he has the overwhelming urge to hold Teddy's hand or kiss him or both and this is new. Like, he really new. He's not sure what to do beside sit awkwardly and grin like an idiot.

Teddy laughs and leans forward to kiss him, briefly and lightly, on the mouth. "What do you think?"


End file.
